I love you

I love you, that I will confess.
You make my heart skip beats,
my smiles are so large and long.
I want to kiss you the amount of times
thoughts of you are in my head.
I might be mean to you,
tease you, and
sometimes playfully
abuse you,
but more than ever before,
with anyone I’ve ever been with,
I love you.
I love that you put up with me,
tease me back,
and are sweet as anyone
could ever be.
No amount of fighting,
disagreeing,
arguing,
or stupid little things
will make me walk away.
You’re mine for as long
as I breathe.
And I hope I’ll be yours
for just as long!

The Ugly Truth

Abby Richter (Katherine Heigl) is a romantically challenged morning show producer whose search for Mr. Perfect has left her hopelessly single. She’s in for a rude awakening when her bosses team her with Mike Chadway (Gerard Butler), a hardcore TV personality who promises to spill the ugly truth on what makes men and women tick.

It was a really good movie. I enjoyed it a lot. It totally got me thinking; we all have “lists”. You know. That list of qualities and characteristics that we want in a partner. Tall, in shape, smart, educated, good job, white/black/asian, blue/brown/green eyes, blonde/brown/red hair. The list can go on and on. I guess for some, their list is short and limited and not really picky. For others, like Abby, the list is longer and more complex and literally for “Mister/Misses Right!”

But really?! If you’re old enough and you’ve lived your life, and got your heart broken a good handful of times, then you know there’s no such thing as perfect, only imperfection seen as perfection in your eyes. I mean, sure I have my own list, but that list is only limited to height, age and ethnicity (No, I’m not racist, I just have my preferences). I mean, obviously a degree, a good job and a house is a plus, but that just means you like what they earned and bought, not what they have.

My tiny list of three easy “must have”, I suppose you can say, wont hurt or limit me to any “future lover”, but if you or anyone else has a list just as long as a child’s Christmas list… Then there’s a problem. I mean, if you wanna stay single for a very long time looking for that specific “perfect” person, then sucks for you for being lonely. If you do have a long list, try cutting it down to at least half. If you have a long list, half might be a lot, BUT half a list doesn’t mean half a person! You never know… Taking out “Must like all types of wine” and “Doesn’t play video games”, might just find you someone that’ll make you just as happy as someone who doesn’t/does have those traits!

I’m just saying. Cut back, let loose, and take a chance! You never know what you might find in the land of does and doesn’t and if’s and might’s!

511 Days

Losing a good person, will find you a better.
That’s what I believe.
Sounds like something from a movie, right?
Wrong.
Everyone has a soul mate somewhere out there.
Some people find them, some people don’t.
Some people see them everyday and not even know it.
Some people find them and lose them.
Did I ever find mine?

That tap on my shoulder.
The smile that I turned around and saw.
The awkward hello and the nervous reply.
The feeling of not knowing anything at all,
but knowing everything at the same time.
That feeling that you get when you see them walk away.
The urge of wanting to run back to them and stop them.
Wondering if you’ll ever see them again.

Time passes and the search continues.
Your faith looses and your hope depresses.
It’s not that you never saw them again,
or had another chance for a hello.
But your chance on that urge.
The urge to go.

When time runs out, and the days have passed.
A shadow.
You turn to a smile.
An awkward hello and a nervous reply.
Breakfast, lunch, dinner.
A midnight snack.
It’s 3AM in the second row of the car.
A place that only we know.
The windows are fogged and red lights are flashing.

Laughing days and hurting nights.
Torn skin and broken hearts.
Wet faces and angry fists.
Content.
Welcoming arms and loving lips.

It’s like an ending of a movie.
Or a finished mystery book.
Full of wasteful passion, lures, lies, and games.

511 days.
511 of the most amazing, loving, hating and regretful days of my life.
511 days of you being ungrateful for what I’ve done and given.
511 of the best days I’ve experienced with you.
Days of joy.
Days of fear.
Days of complete ecstasy.
Days of total hate.
But everyday was a day of knowing you were there.
The days of forgive and forget.
These are the days I spent with my soul mate.

Karma

Karma is a fascinating belief. I totally believe in Karma and the threefold law (what you put out comes back three-times). Every little thing you say, do, and even think has a karmic action and reaction. The power of thought and mind is indeed very powerful. Every thought, question, answer to yourself, even prayer, is mind power.

So anyway, back to Karma. I’m not at all a vengeful person, and even though sometimes I wish bad upon someone, I just let what little work my mind power can do, instead of the physical. I always try to stop and think… And remind myself, ‘they’ll get what they deserve sooner or later.’ Of course, it could be the same day, next day, next week, month, or even next year! Just imagine of an ex-boyfriend/girlfriend, and all the hurt they might have caused you for no apparent reason… Just think of the amount of hurt they’ll get back in return! A delicious taste, is it not?! Hah. That might sound like a little evilness, and it does. But we all have to be sometimes.

All I can say is, don’t stress it, hate it, or even bother with it. Yell it out, cry it out, cuss it out, do what’cha gotta do, get that negativity out so the positivity can take over and launch that Karma bomb! Everyone gets what they deserve. You even put Karma on yourself sometimes! All those nasty little comments you make about other people, the road rage, or even those ugly stares… Oh it’s gonna come back to you alright! Either in the same form, or on a different greater level.

I’m by far a saint. I’m probably the king of saying nasty comments and flipping people off on the road, but sometimes I catch myself before I do it and stop. I tell myself, ‘I wouldn’t want people doing that to me, so I won’t do it to them.’ I also believe in “volunteering for Karma”. A term I made up that pretty much means making up for what you did wrong. If you said something bad, say something amazing (it needs to be better than just ‘good’). If you stole a dollar, give back five. If you dissed a friend, invite them over for dinner, etc etc.

So that boys and girls is today’s lesson on Karma!

The Right Man

Finding the right man is like finding the perfect pair of jeans. It’s hard. You rarely ever find a pair of jeans you love, so you stick and wear the same ones all the time. But when you do find the right one, the perfect pair that fits you just right… You have to have it, and you’ll do anything to take it home with you!

Starting over

I hate starting over; in games, cooking, TV, and especially in new relationships. I mean, yes it’s fun and interesting to get to know someone new and have them get to know you, but it takes so much time for the both of you to know what you like and don’t like, what buttons to push, the usual order at a certain restaurant, what to do, etc etc. Ah. I don’t know. I mean, I embrace it and avoid it at the same time. I guess I just don’t like the feeling of it, especially coming out of a long-term relationship. But again, I do think it’s fun and quite exciting to get to know someone again, especially if they’re interesting enough to want to get to know.
Of course, even years of being in a relationship you still don’t know everything about each other, and that’s the fun part. But at least you would know what to get on birthdays and anniversaries. Oh, and family. Ah, it’s like the weirdest feeling for me to meet someone’s family for the first time and getting to know everyone and whatnot. I shouldn’t be talking though… I’ve never met a boyfriend’s family before… Well, siblings wise, I have. Parents, no. Buuut anyway… Not that I’m in a relationship or anything, but i was just thinking about it today and thinking how I’m gonna have to start over again and start a new adventure once I do meet someone

Life and death

This week has been one of the craziest weeks of my life! It’s been both awesomely awesome, and horribly horrible! Good news, I move into my new apartment in August! Bad news, my best friends little brother died in a car accident on Tuesday, June 23, 2009 (RIP). So, I’ve been trying to be by her side as much as I can. He was her baby brother; only 17 years old. Barely graduating high school and had big hopes and dreams for his future. Today I went to the viewing to be with her and her family to say goodbye to him one last time before they barry him tomorrow afternoon. It was the saddest sight I have ever witnessed. A breathless body laying down in a casket. As I was trying to hold back the tears, I realized just how short life really is. Here was a lifeless 17 year old body who will now never be able to go to his prom, graduate from high school and go to college. And here I am complaining about how my own life sucks! And I think and realize… HOW does my life suck?! Just because things sometimes doesn’t go the way I planned or I don’t get what I want, doesn’t mean it’s “over”. Afterall, I AM still breathing. And that’s all the “best of life” anyone will ever need!
It saddens me that such a young soul had to be taken away like that. I am by far NOT a religious person at all, but I have my beliefs about death and why people die early. I always believed that life, everyones life, has a purpose. However, that purpose might not be fulfilled in this life. It might take many lives before the purpose is accomplished. And whenever someone dies, instead of cursing at god on why he took them so young, just think and know that their life’s purpose was complete. It can be something as big as stopping a world war, or as small as stalling someone for 2 seconds before a car hit them, or even as simpler as giving someone advice that could change their life forever. So when my best friend’s brother died, I thought to myself, even though he was young, his soul could of been hundreds, or even thousands of years old, before he finally completed what his soul was meant to do.
Today has taught me a new lesson: live, love and enjoy life! Don’t think about things too hard, don’t be afraid to let someone into your life, and go on that new adventure you always wanted!! Life is way too short for you not to do anything and everything you can ever do! I always think of what my life’s purpose is, and wonder why I can’t find and have someone who’ll love me as much as I would love them. But then again, maybe my life is supposed to be alone. To be able to live and do everything I ever wanted regardless of not being able to spend my life with someone. Yes, everyone deserves to eventually find someone to spend their life with, get married, have kids and grandkids, and grow old together. But maybe some people wont, or weren’t meant to. And just because right now I think that way, I won’t always live like that. I’ll still always be optimistic and keep my heart open to new people.
But anyway, point is; don’t be afraid to talk to that certain cutie you’ve had a crush on forever! Don’t chicken out on something you’ve always wanted to do like skydive or bungie jump! Don’t think or assume your life sucks or you wont ever find someone special, because it doesn’t and you will! Whenever you lose someone good, you always find a better! And the longer you wait, the better that special someone will be. Time is patience, and patience is an amazing ending!

Physical Pain vs. Emotional Pain

Sometimes I just don’t know what to do with myself. Especially when the feeling of physical pain doesn’t conquer emotional pain anymore. Since when did the feelings in your head become so dominant and stronger over the feelings of the blade on your skin?

It used to be the other way around. Whenever you were hurting in the inside, some sort of physical pain helped; sometimes to the extent of actually making that feeling inside go away.

I guess when it happens so much, there’s just so much you can do, or so little, since both pains are equally immune to you.

Second chances

What does it mean to give someone a second chance? Or even a third, fourth, or even fifth chance? Are they even worth it? Especially if it’s chance number 3 and more, because then it’s routine. And giving someone too many chances give THEM the advantage, not you by having them back. Giving someone too many chances, especially after they’ve fucked up so bad, is giving them the control and hold over you. It’s bad enough giving them another try, but it’s even worse when they have that control over you; when they know they can just come back to you whenever they want (a safety net). And you certainly don’t want that! 

I’ve had my fair share of giving someone way too many chances when I should of left them oh so long ago!  Because they knew they could just come back and that I would take them back. It was definitely not fair. Because it’s a constant repeated routine pain, and after a while you might not even notice it or even feel anything. And that’s a bad sign. That’s a sign that you know you need to be walking away. And do it with your head up high! Let them know that they can’t and wont control you anymore, that they can’t just come back to you whenever it’s convenient for them! That them hurting you is not worth your time or your energy! And that you’re done, for good! Because you deserve so much better than what you’ve been getting!

I personally don’t believe that people can change. No one can ever change who they really are. But, there are some very few rare exceptions out there that realize once they’ve lost something that they “care” about, they’ll realize and come to the conclusion that they need and want it back. And when and if that happens, don’t give in just yet. Because those that truly care… Will wait. Unless enough time on its own has passed, at least 6 months, make them wait. Let them know that you need time to heal from the past before you can venture again for the future. And if they really do care and really do want you back, they’ll do whatever they can to please you, no matter how long, what it is, and how to do it.

So in conclusion, don’t give in too easily. And if something like this has, or is, happening to you or someone you know… You know what to do now. Wither it’s as simple as walking away and ignoring everything at once, or telling them to go fuck themselves! I know it’s easier said than done, trust me. But once you do it and start realizing that you’re better off without them anyway, you’ll feel so much better again! And you’ll feel like everything about you and around you is new and fresh, and you’re ready to go out and explore this enormous world for something new and amazing!

I’ve made mistakes in my life

I’ve let people take advantage of me, and I accepted way less than I deserve.
But I learned from my bad choices and even though there are some things I can never get back and people who will never be sorry,
I’ll know better next time and I won’t settle for anything less than I deserve.