The Right Man

Finding the right man is like finding the perfect pair of jeans. It’s hard. You rarely ever find a pair of jeans you love, so you stick and wear the same ones all the time. But when you do find the right one, the perfect pair that fits you just right… You have to have it, and you’ll do anything to take it home with you!

Starting over

I hate starting over; in games, cooking, TV, and especially in new relationships. I mean, yes it’s fun and interesting to get to know someone new and have them get to know you, but it takes so much time for the both of you to know what you like and don’t like, what buttons to push, the usual order at a certain restaurant, what to do, etc etc. Ah. I don’t know. I mean, I embrace it and avoid it at the same time. I guess I just don’t like the feeling of it, especially coming out of a long-term relationship. But again, I do think it’s fun and quite exciting to get to know someone again, especially if they’re interesting enough to want to get to know.
Of course, even years of being in a relationship you still don’t know everything about each other, and that’s the fun part. But at least you would know what to get on birthdays and anniversaries. Oh, and family. Ah, it’s like the weirdest feeling for me to meet someone’s family for the first time and getting to know everyone and whatnot. I shouldn’t be talking though… I’ve never met a boyfriend’s family before… Well, siblings wise, I have. Parents, no. Buuut anyway… Not that I’m in a relationship or anything, but i was just thinking about it today and thinking how I’m gonna have to start over again and start a new adventure once I do meet someone

Life and death

This week has been one of the craziest weeks of my life! It’s been both awesomely awesome, and horribly horrible! Good news, I move into my new apartment in August! Bad news, my best friends little brother died in a car accident on Tuesday, June 23, 2009 (RIP). So, I’ve been trying to be by her side as much as I can. He was her baby brother; only 17 years old. Barely graduating high school and had big hopes and dreams for his future. Today I went to the viewing to be with her and her family to say goodbye to him one last time before they barry him tomorrow afternoon. It was the saddest sight I have ever witnessed. A breathless body laying down in a casket. As I was trying to hold back the tears, I realized just how short life really is. Here was a lifeless 17 year old body who will now never be able to go to his prom, graduate from high school and go to college. And here I am complaining about how my own life sucks! And I think and realize… HOW does my life suck?! Just because things sometimes doesn’t go the way I planned or I don’t get what I want, doesn’t mean it’s “over”. Afterall, I AM still breathing. And that’s all the “best of life” anyone will ever need!
It saddens me that such a young soul had to be taken away like that. I am by far NOT a religious person at all, but I have my beliefs about death and why people die early. I always believed that life, everyones life, has a purpose. However, that purpose might not be fulfilled in this life. It might take many lives before the purpose is accomplished. And whenever someone dies, instead of cursing at god on why he took them so young, just think and know that their life’s purpose was complete. It can be something as big as stopping a world war, or as small as stalling someone for 2 seconds before a car hit them, or even as simpler as giving someone advice that could change their life forever. So when my best friend’s brother died, I thought to myself, even though he was young, his soul could of been hundreds, or even thousands of years old, before he finally completed what his soul was meant to do.
Today has taught me a new lesson: live, love and enjoy life! Don’t think about things too hard, don’t be afraid to let someone into your life, and go on that new adventure you always wanted!! Life is way too short for you not to do anything and everything you can ever do! I always think of what my life’s purpose is, and wonder why I can’t find and have someone who’ll love me as much as I would love them. But then again, maybe my life is supposed to be alone. To be able to live and do everything I ever wanted regardless of not being able to spend my life with someone. Yes, everyone deserves to eventually find someone to spend their life with, get married, have kids and grandkids, and grow old together. But maybe some people wont, or weren’t meant to. And just because right now I think that way, I won’t always live like that. I’ll still always be optimistic and keep my heart open to new people.
But anyway, point is; don’t be afraid to talk to that certain cutie you’ve had a crush on forever! Don’t chicken out on something you’ve always wanted to do like skydive or bungie jump! Don’t think or assume your life sucks or you wont ever find someone special, because it doesn’t and you will! Whenever you lose someone good, you always find a better! And the longer you wait, the better that special someone will be. Time is patience, and patience is an amazing ending!

Physical Pain vs. Emotional Pain

Sometimes I just don’t know what to do with myself. Especially when the feeling of physical pain doesn’t conquer emotional pain anymore. Since when did the feelings in your head become so dominant and stronger over the feelings of the blade on your skin?

It used to be the other way around. Whenever you were hurting in the inside, some sort of physical pain helped; sometimes to the extent of actually making that feeling inside go away.

I guess when it happens so much, there’s just so much you can do, or so little, since both pains are equally immune to you.

Second chances

What does it mean to give someone a second chance? Or even a third, fourth, or even fifth chance? Are they even worth it? Especially if it’s chance number 3 and more, because then it’s routine. And giving someone too many chances give THEM the advantage, not you by having them back. Giving someone too many chances, especially after they’ve fucked up so bad, is giving them the control and hold over you. It’s bad enough giving them another try, but it’s even worse when they have that control over you; when they know they can just come back to you whenever they want (a safety net). And you certainly don’t want that! 

I’ve had my fair share of giving someone way too many chances when I should of left them oh so long ago!  Because they knew they could just come back and that I would take them back. It was definitely not fair. Because it’s a constant repeated routine pain, and after a while you might not even notice it or even feel anything. And that’s a bad sign. That’s a sign that you know you need to be walking away. And do it with your head up high! Let them know that they can’t and wont control you anymore, that they can’t just come back to you whenever it’s convenient for them! That them hurting you is not worth your time or your energy! And that you’re done, for good! Because you deserve so much better than what you’ve been getting!

I personally don’t believe that people can change. No one can ever change who they really are. But, there are some very few rare exceptions out there that realize once they’ve lost something that they “care” about, they’ll realize and come to the conclusion that they need and want it back. And when and if that happens, don’t give in just yet. Because those that truly care… Will wait. Unless enough time on its own has passed, at least 6 months, make them wait. Let them know that you need time to heal from the past before you can venture again for the future. And if they really do care and really do want you back, they’ll do whatever they can to please you, no matter how long, what it is, and how to do it.

So in conclusion, don’t give in too easily. And if something like this has, or is, happening to you or someone you know… You know what to do now. Wither it’s as simple as walking away and ignoring everything at once, or telling them to go fuck themselves! I know it’s easier said than done, trust me. But once you do it and start realizing that you’re better off without them anyway, you’ll feel so much better again! And you’ll feel like everything about you and around you is new and fresh, and you’re ready to go out and explore this enormous world for something new and amazing!

I’ve made mistakes in my life

I’ve let people take advantage of me, and I accepted way less than I deserve.
But I learned from my bad choices and even though there are some things I can never get back and people who will never be sorry,
I’ll know better next time and I won’t settle for anything less than I deserve.

Regrets and soul mates!

Regrets. Regrets are something no one should ever have, yet the majority or people always have them. How do you even overcome a regret? Does it ever even just fade away? Do you forget about it? What do you do about it? I try to live my life regret-free. And usually when I do “regret” something, it’s usually just for a little while and then I’m over it… Well, eventually. 

What happens when it’s with someone you love? When you didn’t stop something you could of stopped? Said something you could of said? Or done something, or didn’t do anything? Especially when you’ve lost that someone you love when you could of done something about it. I recently have. And I live everyday wishing I didn’t do what I did. Thinking over and over again, having a brain war with myself, hating and hurting myself on something I could of done better.

But I didn’t. And I lost the only person who I know will ever make me completely happy. And because of that mistake, of MY mistake, I have to live everyday of my life knowing they’re with someone else. I don’t exactly entirely believe in “soul mates”, but if I did, he was mine, and I was his. We were the most imperfectly perfect match for each other! Nothing we did or said ever kept us apart. Time and time again that we’ve been “apart” we found our way back to each other. We were a crazy married couple that fought, but still loved each other more than anything. 

You know you’ve found your soul mate when all you think about if how much you love them when you try to hate them. When you’re always comparing them with the people you’re trying to “move on” with. When you wonder what they’re doing and if they’re even ever thinking about you. Or when all you want to do is just hold them tightly and be in their arms forever. And the worse possible feeling in the world is regretting losing that. 

The world and probably your life is full of so many things; disappointment, hate, love, challenges, problems and mistakes. But regret shouldn’t be one of them. Even if you lost your lover, bestfriend, dream job, or anything else, regretting that you did something wrong or didn’t do anything at all is not healthy at all. And this might sound cliche’, but everything happens for a reason. And it’s true. I always tell myself, “When you lose someone/something good, you’ll gain someone/something better!” And I try to remind myself that whenever I feel like I lost it all. 

So don’t be regretful. It’s not healthy for your mind, body or soul. Keep your head up and remind yourself that life is full of so many amazing and beautiful things! You just have to open your eyes and see it! Look for it! Because it could be anywhere; especially in those spots where you never even paid attention to! Inspire yourself and light up your life to follow the road to happiness once again!

Goodbye Bestfriend!

Just a little something I put together of the two weeks of craziness when my BFF was here to visit!

 

I had a dream

And it was a very weird dream. It was kinda like 3 stories in one, yet they were all somehow connected.

The first part of it, I remember being with one of my bestfriends getting ready to go out or something, because she was wearing a skirt or a dress or something, anyway I remember seeing her and telling her to hurry up so we can leave.

After leaving her, I went through doors and ended up at my work, for some apparent reason. I remember running up to someone I know and hugging them. And whispering something in their ear, but I can’t remember what it was. Then we left and went to my car.

Once we got to my car, my last ex showed up with his friends, and for some reason they all sat down on the ground around us. I then remember my ex hugging me and kissing my neck; enjoying it, I had to push him off for the obvious reasons, and I asked him what he was doing, and one of his friends was asking the same thing.

And then I woke up. It kinda made me a little sad, because I really miss my ex, but at the same time, I rather just see him in my dreams than in reality; it’ll make it easier that way to handle things. Right?

I miss you

I really do.
Even though I hate you,
I miss you so.

I miss being with you.
I miss holding you.
I miss kissing your lips,
and kissing your hands.
And nibbling on your ear.

I miss how you knew me almost
better than anyone else.
You knew what I liked,
what I didn’t.
You knew what pushed my buttons,
and what made everything better.

I miss you.
I miss your touch.
I miss how you used to
drive me insane.

I miss how much I hated you.
But only for a second.
Because no matter what,
I still loved you.

I miss our random conversations.
And our lame jokes.
I miss the random stares,
and our cute little smiles.

I miss when you used to
hold my hand in the car.
And rub our fingers in that
special way.

I miss that I miss you.
I miss telling you
how much I love you.
I miss how we used to cuddle.
I miss how my arms fit
perfectly around you,
and yours around me.

I miss everything.
I miss it all.
I miss you.