Self inflicted pain
Have you ever intentionally hurt yourself? Ever “accidently” scratched yourself against something, or pushed something a little too hard? Have you ever just picked up a knife or blade and just ran it through your skin?
I have.
It started when I was 14 years old. The first time was accidental. But the pain felt good… It took all the other pain and all my worries at the time away. But of course it was only temporary. Yes, hurting yourself is a horrible horrible thing, and you’re probably thinking, ‘you need help’. Well, I probably do. But it’s something I do because it makes me feel better. It makes whatever hurts go away. It makes me stop crying. It makes me stop hating myself and life. It makes every for a short period of time OK.
I know a lot of people just won’t get it, and a lot of people never will. But it’s like, why do you drink till you get drunk? Why do you do drugs? Because it makes you feel better! Self inflicted pain is the same thing! I’m not crazy. I’m probably a little stupid, though. But sometimes I hate everyone and myself so much, and I get so mad, I just don’t know what else to do. I won’t be able to stop crying, or hitting my hand or head against something, because I’m so mad. But the moment that blade touches my skin and I see the blood dripping out the cut… Everything seems fine!
I always cut myself 4 times. 3 vertical cuts, and a cut through all 3 lines. I never only cut once. If someone caught them on my arm, I’d promise I wouldn’t do it again, but then I’d just cut somewhere else where they couldn’t see. My stomach or on my leg and thigh. I can cut harder on my thigh, it doesn’t hurt that much at first, but then when I’d move or do something and feel it… It reminds me it’s there, and I liked it.
I’m not saying cutting is a good thing, I know it’s not. But for me… It’s one of the very very few ways for me to escape. To release. To let it all out.
This entry was posted on January 8, 2009 at 8:57 am and is filed under Life, Venting with tags bad pain, blade, bleed, blood, cry, crying, cut, cutting, cutting yourself, escape, good pain, hate, hurt, intentional pain, knife, Life, pain, release, relief, scratch, self cutting, self inflict, self inflicted pain, skin, temporary relief. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
January 9, 2009 at 1:11 pm
I never thought I’d talk about this. But reading yor entry maybe I should. I used to do this as well. I started when I was 16. It took me a while to realize that the scars might not go away. I didn’t want anyone finding out so I made sure they all looked accidental. As time went by I found other ways to hurt myself. At some point I stopped, it took sometime though. It was gradual. The frequency decreased first and then the depth of the cuts and then I was scared. I don’t know exactly what made me stop. Or maybe I do. I hope you stop at some point because you can’t kill what’s inside joey, I know that for sure. No matter how you torture yourself, you wont be able to kill what’s inside.
June 20, 2009 at 7:30 pm
I started when I was thirteen. My friends noticed the slashes on my forearms, so I started cutting on the heels of my hands, where the scars were invisible. It helped me to feel again.
July 12, 2009 at 3:02 am
I know what you mean especially about promising you wouldnt do it again then just moving to dif part of skin atm im waiting for my arms to heal up as a teacher found out. you’ve described everything so perfectly in ways i could never do.